Diving In Head First

Currently I am sitting in the library working on what is currently 67 pages of my data analysis portfolio. In need of a study break, I thought blogging could be a good way to get away from numbers and back to words. I never really thought of myself as much of a writer, but I feel as though this portfolio has been a great outlet for me the past semester. In both Management II and Research I, I will have tangible, concrete pieces of my own work to show to the world. I am not sure if this is why Professor Bonica gave us SHOW YOUR WORK! by Austin Kleon but if its not it is quite the coincidence. I started reading the first few pages during another study break earlier today (ok yes I take a lot of study breaks) and Kleon opens by discussing how getting your work out there for others to see is effective than networking. I find this to be great timing as we have discussed how we now can show potential employers a blog (portfolio) and a primer (and a data analysis portfolio for those of us in the HMP major). This is the first semester I have ever had tangible products like these and its great to come out with not just one but three great pieces of work. Kleon made a funny point when he mentioned how cool it would be if the person who was interviewing you already followed your blog. I certainly don't expect this to happen to me any time soon but it certainly got me thinking about what I am putting out into the world.
Yesterday I had a really profound day. Yesterday was our last day of class and my end of the year performance review with my boss. I had a self review that I had to prepare before I got to the meeting. The categories are customer service, job knowledge, professionalism, communication/interpersonal skills, and risk management. The rankings are either does not meet expectations, meets expectations, or exceeds expectations. I got into my meeting and my boss asked me to tell him what I thought of the year and what I gave myself on my self assessment. He then started to tell me what he thought. The funny thing was I was actually harder on myself than he was. He gave me exceeds expectations for 4/5 categories and meets expectations for one. He explained I likely would have gone 5/5 had I not made a pretty key mistake a week before (which is absolutely fair). He went on to tell me how impressed he was with how quickly I emerged as a leader. He said that people often take time to adjust to being in our leadership position but that I jumped right in. Because of this, he knew he described me as his go-to employee for any shift. This got me thinking about Management II. I feel like this is exactly how I approached the class. Not in a formal leadership position, but by immediately diving into what we were trying to accomplish. With everything that I do, I try to put all of my energy into it. After an extremely reassuring performance review and a formal adjourning of our class, I felt both energized and at peace at the same time. I have never felt more purpose in my life. I feel both reassured in my ability to succeed in this career and extensive pride in what we have accomplished in Management II. I really am extremely passionate about everything we do in HMP and am ready to jump head first into being an administrative intern. While I do not fully believe in the idea of fate, I know right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Time to Find a New Weakness

After completing my third and finally full class presentation, I think it might be time for me to pick a new weakness. Before this class, I absolutely hated public speaking. If you had told me that I was going to have to teach 3 full hour and twenty minute long classes, I probably would have looked at you, laughed, and immediately dropped the class. To be fair to myself I did know that I was going to have to do this before the drop deadline, but I saw how much this class could offer me and I swallowed my pride and stuck with it.
Even my first presentation I was extremely nervous. After yesterday, I feel so much more confident speaking in front of a group of people. I wondered if this was just because of how well I have gotten to know everyone. But yesterday I also had a presentation right after our class. Even in front of a class probably five times larger than ours, I felt astronomically more confident speaking. I can compare how I felt last semester in front of my whole major in a mock debate and how I felt yesterday. I feel like a completely new person. I certainly could improve my public speaking skills from here but this class has given me the foundation to finally feel confident.
I googled statistics on fear of public speaking. On statisticbrain.com, they cited a study done by the National Institute of Mental Health which found that 74% of people suffer from speech anxiety. I then read an article from Forbes called "Why We Fear Public Speaking and How to Overcome It". Nick Morgan says that 10 percent of people really love public speaking, 10 percent physically cannot even think about it, and the other 80 lie in the middle of experiencing some anxiety but knowing it won't kill them. Whichever of these two statistics you believe is more accurate, clearly a lot of people really do not enjoy it.
For the standard "what is your weakness?" interview question, I might have to find a new answer.

Toxic Leaders

As I spoke about today in class, I was involved in an extremely toxic team environment. When I was a senior in high school, I was recruited by a university to join their inaugural women's lacrosse team. I went to the school, and to be absolutely honest, if I had the knowledge that I do now I would have known it was not the place for me. I had been recruited by a lot of other universities but no where really clicked for me. This was a really unique opportunity and I knew if I didn't give it a shot I would always wonder what it could have offered me. They also had the perfect program for the profession I thought I wanted at the time so professionally it made a lot of sense for me. I decided to commit to the school. As many bad experiences as I did have, I do not regret taking this chance. The amount of growth I went through from this time until the beginning of my junior year was astronomical.
In the summer we went for a week long camp at the university. Almost immediately, those of us who had been recruited first and vaguely knew each other as the top prospects through social media and such formed a clique. As we moved in, we were all roommates with other team members and almost all of us lived on the exact same floor of the same dorm. I cannot stress how absolutely toxic this environment was. I became very close with a guy I met at orientation and as the year progressed spent more and more time hiding out away from my room as I could. I felt like I really had no safe space. The original clique was okay at first and then went down in flames, hard and fast. I will not admit that everything I did was perfect my freshman year as a naive 18 year old, but some of the behavior of my teammates was frankly appalling. One of our biggest issues was that our key leaders were actually some of the biggest contributors to our issues. My coach knew of the issues that were going on, and would admit this individually to other girls, but failed to address it even once. I performed much worse than I would have had I been put in an environment that I was able to succeed in. I was constantly worried about what my teammates were saying about me and had a hard time fighting the voices inside my head telling me that I was failing. This spiraled until the winter, when I decided to make a change. I ended up turning my performance around and becoming a key piece of our defense. For me, it was too little too late though. I knew that my coach likely would not change her ways. I also knew that a lot of my relationships with my teammates were already beyond full repair. I knew that this toxic environment was not going to improve any time soon. I loved the commitment of being on a Division 1 team. And I finally was performing at a high level and was in a great spot for coming back next season.
In my end of the year meeting, I literally cried in front of my coach because of the environment that I had been in the entire year. What really bothered me in that meeting was she acknowledged she knew what was going on. I knew she genuinely felt bad that some of us went through the conflicts that we did, but she took very little accountability for her role in the situation. Deciding to leave was the hardest decision I had made so far. Through all of the bad relationships, I also made a lot of really great ones. But I knew at that time that I was never going to be a professional lacrosse player, and I was likely never going to be happy on this team. I decided that what was best for my career long term and my overall happiness was transferring. The amount of girls who apparently agreed with me, and also left, spoke for itself. Fortunately for the current team, it seems like their culture has changed a lot since I left (I'm not sure it could have gotten worse though). But like they say, when one door closes, another one opens. I have found an amazing environment around me and countless people who support me. I have never felt more competent in my academics or more sure that I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be. UNH has brought me so many amazing opportunities and is the best decision I have ever made.
I learned so much about being a leader from this time. It is important to understand when there are issues among your organization. It is also important to address those issues and solve conflicts. As a leader, it is unacceptable to leave the people who look to you feeling like they are being left out to dry. Leaders can make or break a team. I know I have learned from her mistakes.